Kane approached the kid and tapped her on the shoulder. "Everything alright?"
The kid turned to face him. They were on the verge of tears. "I, I got separated from my big brother. I was looking for him but then I got lost and now I don't know where to go."
"If you would like I would be happy to help you look for him."
"Really?"
"Of course!"
"Thank you, Mister!"
"Please, call me Zach. And what's your name?"
"Emily."
"Well, Emily, where were you last with your brother?"
"We were at the bookstore, the one by the elementary school."
"I know just where that is. Shall we head that way and start looking for him?"
Emily beamed at him and nodded her head enthusiastically. As they turned and started walking, Kane once again felt himself smiling. Everything was going smoothly so far. They walked several blocks to the northeast, into a more upscale part of the town.
"Over there!" Emily exclaimed, pointing across the street. "That's where I last saw my brother. He went down that passageway."
Kane flashed a smile at her. "Let's start there then."
The girl skipped ahead of him and he followed her down the passage.
Something hard and heavy connected with his head. Suddenly the world was tilting and he realized he was falling. But why was he falling? That didn't make any sense to him. He hit the ground and tried to look around. A pair of expensive shoes came into his field of vision and he looked up. Emily was standing above him, looking down with a smile. That didn't make any sense either. Something flickered out of the corner of his vision and he turned just in time to see a large boot come flying at his torso. Knocking the wind out of him, it collided with his chest. As he struggled to regain his breath, he managed to turn over onto his other side. Soon enough he felt himself being turned back over onto his back and his pockets being rummaged through. They found what they were looking for and stopped soon enough.
Emily knelt down beside him. "Silly little fox, you should've known better. This territory belongs to me and is guarded by my ever faithful dog."
He looked past her and found this dog happened to be a very large man.
"I hope you learn your lesson from this. It would be a shame if we had to review it," Emily continued.
The man lifted his boot above Kane. He tried to raise his arms to block but he wasn't fast enough. The boot collided with his head. Everything went black.
(Illustration by Milo Winter)
Author Note: This story is based on The Dog, the Cock, and the Fox. In the original story the fox hears the rooster and is trying to trick the rooster by pretending to welcome it to the forest but is really trying to eat the cock. However, the fox himself is tricked, directed around the tree by the cock who pretends to be grateful for the welcome where he is attacked by the dog. For my story I changed them to human characters as animals wouldn't have suited the direction I wanted to take the story in. I really love stories with deceptions and turning it back on the other person which is why I chose this story to retell and also why I decided to make it more of an intentional deception with my characters representing the dog and the cock being con artists in their own right. I chose the image I did because it is the illustration for the original story. I feel that the illustration is still very fitting even with the changes that I made to the story. The fox and the cock are having a seemingly friendly interaction but you can clearly see the dog hidden and waiting for the chance to attack.
Bibliography:
The Aesop for Children, with illustrations by Milo Winter (1919).
Wow, I loved this story! I thought the adaptation was incredible, including the characters, the setting and the idea behind it. I loved how you developed Kane's character through the dialogue and through his actions. I really liked that you changed the story from animals to human characters, because it's a little bit more easily to relate to. The title was also great, piquing my interest in your story from the beginning. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteWhat a great way to tell this story! I loved the "con artist gets conned" way the story unfolded. I thought the characters were well-established and stood out in their own ways. Also, the end was awesome! Fade to black is a commonly used editing tool in movies and TV, so the way you tied it into a written story was great!
ReplyDeleteWhat a twist! I really liked the way you changed the story from the original. I read this story too and considered retelling it for my storytelling post that week but decided against it. I also really like how you incorporated dialogue between your characters, it really helped give a more personal tie to the story.
ReplyDeleteRachel, I really enjoyed your story. By changing the animal characters into people, it made the story very practical. Your story also did a good job of teaching a lesson and incorporating the original story back into your own. The first paragraph did a good job of catching the reader’s attention and making me want to keep reading to find out what was going to happen. At the beginning of your story I would suggest to make the dialogue a little more clear. The dialogue is really helpful in setting the scene of the story. Therefore, at the beginning I would make it clear who is talking by saying “Kane said enthusiastically”. This will develop the characters more and makes it easier for the reader to know the mood of them. Overall, the spacing of the story really helped the flow of the reading. I agree that the picture is a good touch for the original story and the new version of it. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed your story. I liked how you changed the characters from animal into people. It made it easy to follow and it was easy to picture what was going on in the story. One thing that was confusing for me when I read it was in the first couple paragraphs, when you were referring to the kid, I believe, you kept writing "they" when I think that you were talking about one person, the kid. I am not sure if it is meant to talk about more than one but that part was confusing to me. An example of what I am talking about was when you wrote "The kid turned to face him. They were on the verge of tears." I think this is referring to the kid, but it says they so I am not sure. Other than that, I really liked your version of the story.
ReplyDeleteI like the narrative turns you took with this tale, but you could definitely use some revisions on the wording.
ReplyDeleteFirstly, the gender of the kid was kind of ambiguous at first, and that shouldn't necessarily be the case unless it serves a specific purpose in the story. Which it doesn't seem to. Particularly, I noticed that you used the word "they" to first describe the kid, and that was a little weird for me as the reader, since I began to imagine the kid as a younger boy.
Also the phrase "field of vision" isn't very effective in writing unless it has some sort of technical basis for its use in the story. For example: if you had been talking about a jet pilot and their "field of view", it would have made more contextual sense. For now, avoid turning phrases unless they really make sense within the context of the story.
Again: "It'd be a shame if we'd have to review it." The word "review" isn't very effective here because it has a technical connotation that just doesn't suit the story. Perhaps if you tried something like: "It'd be a shame if we'd have to stamp that one into you again."
I loved this story! It really kept me on the edge of my seat. I love stories with surprising endings, so I knew the second I read the title I was going to enjoy it. I love that you turned the characters into humans. I think it definitely added a kind of depth and seriousness to the story that talking animals wouldn't have been able to achieve.
ReplyDeleteI know that the image goes well with the original story, but I think for your revised story a different more serious picture would better suit it.
This may only be a problem for me, but the white font and black background kind of makes this story harder to read. It messed with my eyes a bit.
However, I really like how you spaced out your paragraphs. It made the story easier to read and kept the flow smooth.
Also, your author's note did a great job at explaining the original story and your basis for the story.
Overall, great job!
Rachel,
ReplyDeleteYou portfolio is turning out nice, and I really enjoyed reading this Turning the Tables post! To comment on the general story itself, what a good one! Your writing style is so fun, and very easy to follow! I am with you in that I enjoy stories where there is deception and the story flips several times on who exactly it is getting tricked. One of the things I really liked was that you kept the names of the characters in the original story. The names “Fox” and “Dog” are great because these names are actually believable for con artists, and they mesh really well with the original story; i’m not left questioning who correlates with whom from the original story. My only critique would be a grammatical one. When you first reference “the kid” and continue talking about her, I got confused because you used the pronoun “they” and “them” to reference a singular subject. Using “she” would make the story much clearer! Really enjoyed this, and hope you enjoy the rest of the semester!
Hi Rachel! I really like this story and am glad it's part of your portfolio! I love that you chose to alter the story by changing the form of the characters. I loved that you went with a whole con artist/thief theme. I think it still reflects the overall message and the bones of the original story, but it definitely adds new life to it, and in my opinion makes it much more exciting to read.
ReplyDeleteIn general I think it is easier to connect to stories which have people as characters than it is to stories with animals, so I think changing the characters was such a smart choice.
Throughout the story however I couldn't really get a grip on the setting though. I couldn't decide whether the story was meant to be set in a different time in history or whether it was set in the present. I think if you added a couple of details within the story which provided clues to the time period, it would really help people to be able to visualize your characters and the story in general. It could also be helpful to added some text between your dialogue to help direct the flow of the conversation Kane and Emily are having (who is speaking, how are they saying things, what is their body language etc). This could also provide a clearer image of the characters and the story itself.
Overall it was a great story! Good job!
Hey, Rachel! I really like how your story started – it was catchy and easily grabbed my attention. I did find a simple error though – you were talking about the thief saying a kid but then said “they were standing outside” rather than “he was standing outside.” You also said “they were wearing expensive clothes” but then said things that implied a singular child such as “a lost child” and “how the kid was dressed” which was a little bit confusing for me. I also was confused whether or not it was intentional that the thief asked Emily to call him “Zack” when he is really referred to as “Kane” in the story. I’m guessing that’s more intentional in order to protect his identity. What a plot twist though – you did a great job to make the reader feel as unsuspecting as Kane did when he was assaulted. I was a bit confused by what you meant with the whole neighborhood/territory thing, but great story overall!
ReplyDeleteHey Rachel! I read the story The Dog, the Cock, and the Fox as well and I must say your version is much better. I never would have thought to take that story in the direction that you did. Your version was super creative and I really enjoyed it. I thought it was cool how you made the little girl, Emily, the one who took down Kane, the fox. The dialogue you used was great as well. Even though she could be seem as the bad guy, I liked how strong you made Emily. The part at the end where she said, “I hope you learn your lesson from this, it would be a shame if we had to review it” was my favorite line. I know that it should have but it made me chuckle. The way that you described Kane getting attacked and kicked in the face made me feel like I was there in the ally with them. I actually cringed at the part where Kane was kicked in the face. Good job!
ReplyDeleteHi Rachel! That was a cool story, I thought you did a great job! I liked how you adapted it to a real world scenario with people because it made it feel more realistic. It was funny how you still said, "Silly little fox, you should've known better. This territory belongs to me and is guarded by my ever faithful dog." I could not help but imagine her saying that to a person. The way you ended your story with "Everything went black," was a cool touch because it gives the reader the power to decide what happened to Kane and if he died. Overall, I thought you did a great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Rachel. I really enjoyed reading this story and I think you did a great job with it. I am glad you included the background information about Kane and told the readers about him being a pickpocket, and about how business had not been slow recently. Knowing that information made the story flow very well. You did a good job with the dialogue, too, as it makes it very clear what is going on in the story and it even tells the readers about the mood of each character. I did not expect for Kane to get robbed, but when I noticed the title of your story it made perfect sense. I think that making all of the characters human made the story much more realistic and easier to read. I can see something like this actually happening and it makes the story very believable and intriguing. Great job on this story!
ReplyDeleteThis story was so clever, thanks for sharing! You have a great writing style and you did a great job developing this story from the beginning to the end. I thought you did a great job portraying the character of the fox. Your introduction really gave him a personality that I could rate to for the remainder of the story. Your format was fantastic and super easy to read. I thought the story was clever and I really liked the originality you brought to it from the original writing. You are right, making the story with humans made it much more effective. You are a great writer and I can tell why you are in the top of the Portfolios. Congrats! Thank you for the good read, I really enjoyed it!
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